Only A Guy Would Do This

[Ronkh]

..... Only A Guy Would Do This.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.



Still in shock,
Tommy

[BADLANDER]

haha i wish i could say that i have never shocked myself with a tazer, but i know exactly where you are coming from

[Page]

o my i am in tears from laughing YOU THO MAN
RONKH go ahead and tell us it was you that purchased it for your wife

[Dtrick.22]

HAHAHA thats great

[cwcad]

and that is the truth. Don't ask me how I know

Funny!! I am still laughing about the reward and a safe return. Pretty good!!

[Pander5]

very few things in life have ever had me laughing out loud and that was one of them (and well written too)! That's freakin priceless.

I'd love to read Gracie's written perspective.

[Ronkh]

<phew>
For a while I got worried nobody like it.

So msany views, so few comments.

[Tex Star Detail]

Thanks for posting that. I was looking for that a while ago and totally forgot about it! Funny as heck for sure!

[krtoflas]

This is the best story that i have heard in quite some time. Im glad to hear that you are ok and I am sure it wasn't funny at the time. I just sat here and laughed for 5 minutes straight. My wife and dog are looking at me like im a complete idiot. Thank you Ronkh.

[CharlesW]

Originally Posted by krtoflas

This is the best story that i have heard in quite some time. Im glad to hear that you are ok and I am sure it wasn't funny at the time. I just sat here and laughed for 5 minutes straight. My wife and dog are looking at me like im a complete idiot. Thank you Ronkh.

I can't say for sure, but I think Ron was just passing the story on.
The story has been circulating via e-mail since 2004.
May or may not be true, but an interesting read.

[Ronkh]

Just a copy and paste, but it was too funny not to pass it along.

I've had it for a few years.

[Pockets]

Originally Posted by krtoflas

This is the best story that i have heard in quite some time. Im glad to hear that you are ok and I am sure it wasn't funny at the time. I just sat here and laughed for 5 minutes straight. My wife and dog are looking at me like im a complete idiot. Thank you Ronkh.

Hey you never know sounds like a Ron thing to me haha

[Ronkh]

Originally Posted by Pockets

Hey you never know sounds like a Ron thing to me haha

Thanks.

[evilwrx]

[JaredPointer]

I can speak from experience that getting tased is no fun. And before anyone says it, it was for certification (so I could carry the taser in a correctional facility) not because I was being belligerent while being arrested.