Detailing Letter opinoins needed

[Shaun Carollo]

Hi everyone, once again I need your detailing/consumer opinion on my letter that will be sent out to a few choice homes ($1,000,000+) whom owners have a particular taste for high end cars. The address list was self made and includes all of the upscale homes I know of, along with some Ferrari's, Lambo's, and even a SLR Mclaren. These customers don't know who I am yet, but I hope they will know me after they (hopefully) read my letter. You guys can be as mean as you want, I need this to convince them that I am the best there is to offer so the letter has to be perfect, just like my details. Here it is:

Good Afternoon,
This letter will introduce you to Superior Detailing. At Superior Detailing, we come to your home or business and professionally detail your automobile, boat, motor home, or your motorcycle. By using the best chemicals and procedures (ask me during your free estimate why they are the best,) we can ensure that your cars interior is clean and smelling fresh. We also specialize in rejuvenating your cars exterior; damaged by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and Michigan roads. We do everything from full restorations to hand washes and everything in between.

We take perfection to a whole new level by doings things like joining the Professional Detailers Association to help keep ourselves on the cutting edge of the auto detailing industry. From the towels we use, to our polishes and waxes, I personally guarantee to give you the best detailing experience out of any standing or mobile shop in the metro Detroit Area, you can quote me on that.

Being a mobile business has its advantages; you won’t have to arrange a ride to or from our shop, and more importantly; your car is clean and in your garage the day of service, regardless of rain or shine, or that dirty puddle on your route home. You may even learn a thing or two on how to keep your car it’s cleanest.

With the arrival of spring just around the corner, I invite you to call me so we can schedule a free estimate to make sure your car is looking its best for the summer months. During the estimate you will get a full evaluation of your cars problem areas, a detailing 101 crash course on the ins and outs of detailing, and how our services can most benefit you, so next time you will know when to call us.

Thank you for your time reading this letter, I hope you learned something while reading it. Again, we give free estimates, and more importantly I am always here to give you advice concerning your car’s appearance. Don’t ever hesitate to call or email me with any questions you may have regarding our services. Feel free to visit our website for more information at www.Superior-Detailing.com.

Sincerely,
Shaun Carollo
Owner, Superior Detailing
ShaunCarollo@Superior-Detailing. Com
734-XXX-XXXX

Along with my logo on the letterhead, and again at the bottom.

Throw whatever you got at me

Thanks
-Shaun

[Tex Star Detail]

Originally Posted by Shaun Carollo

Good Afternoon,
This letter will introduce you to Superior Detailing. At Superior Detailing, we come to your home or business and professionally detail your automobile, boat, motor home, or your motorcycle. By using the best chemicals and procedures (ask me during your free estimate why they are the best,) we can ensure that your cars interior is clean and smelling fresh. We also specialize in rejuvenating your cars exterior; damaged by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and Michigan roads. We do everything from full restorations to hand washes and everything in between.

We take perfection to a whole new level by doings things like joining the Professional Detailers Association to help keep ourselves on the cutting edge of the auto detailing industry. From the towels we use, to our polishes and waxes, I personally guarantee to give you the best detailing experience out of any standing or mobile shop in the metro Detroit Area, you can quote me on that.

Being a mobile business has its advantages; you won’t have to arrange a ride to or from our shop, and more importantly; your car is clean and in your garage the day of service, regardless of rain or shine, or that dirty puddle on your route home. You may even learn a thing or two on how to keep your car it’s cleanest.

With the arrival of spring just around the corner, I invite you to call me so we can schedule a free estimate to make sure your car is looking its best for the summer months. During the estimate you will get a full evaluation of your cars problem areas, a detailing 101 crash course on the ins and outs of detailing, and how our services can most benefit you, so next time you will know when to call us.

Thank you for your time reading this letter, I hope you learned something while reading it. Again, we give free estimates, and more importantly I am always here to give you advice concerning your car’s appearance. Don’t ever hesitate to call or email me with any questions you may have regarding our services. Feel free to visit our website for more information at www.Superior-Detailing.com.

Sincerely,
Shaun Carollo
Owner, Superior Detailing
ShaunCarollo@Superior-Detailing. Com
734-XXX-XXXX

Along with my logo on the letterhead, and again at the bottom.

Throw whatever you got at me

Thanks
-Shaun

The first red area, coma after )
Second area, shouldn't it be PDTA instead of PDA?

Just looked at it quickly, but I do like it. I'm sure you have a different copy corrected though.....
Other than that

[DetailCad]

I like your approach very much. The content of your letter is very good.

One thing I do at work in is to edit much of our department's correspondence. So, it comes natual to me to want to re-write much of what I see. So, here is my stab at editing your first paragraph.

This letter is to introduce you to Superior Detailing, a professional service to care for your automobile's appearance. Superior Detailing comes to your home or business to professionally detail your automobiles. We use only the best car care products and procedures to gently clean your automobiles. We will ensure the interior is clean and smelling fresh. We do everything from weekly washings to full rejuvenations to correct damage that might have been caused by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and road salts. And, we don't limit ourselves to cars. We are qualifed to provide the same level of care to boats, recreational vehicles and motorcyles.

Not saying it's better - just different.

[Coastal Eddie]

I think it's a damn good letter Shaun. Hope you have your pricing down pat, you're gonna get calls.

[Tex Star Detail]

I wish I could write things like that. I have a hard time wording flyers etc.....

[Shaun Carollo]

Originally Posted by DetailCad

This letter is to introduce you to Superior Detailing, a professional service to care for your automobile's appearance. Superior Detailing comes to your home or business to professionally detail your automobiles. We use only the best car care products and procedures to gently clean your automobiles. We will ensure the interior is clean and smelling fresh. We do everything from weekly washings to full rejuvenations to correct damage that might have been caused by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and road salts. And, we don't limit ourselves to cars. We are qualifed to provide the same level of care to boats, recreational vehicles and motorcyles.

100X better.

Thanks for the revisions and the praise, I always seemed to get an A in english, dont ask me how. TexasTB, you were right, I don't know how I could have forgotten that. Keep em commin guys, thanks for the help.

[Beemerboy]

My feelings are that its a bit to long, its worked very well but you have to hold the attention of the reader..you can say the same thing in allot less words...if the prospect is interested in detailing they will call, that's when you sell your service and self....That's my .02 on it

[budman3]

Originally Posted by Beemerboy

My feelings are that its a bit to long, its worked very well but you have to hold the attention of the reader..you can say the same thing in allot less words...if the prospect is interested in detailing they will call, that's when you sell your service and self....That's my .02 on it

I agree- I don't think you'll need to persuade a customer to a mobile operation than a fixed location- most people will automaticcly choose the easiest for them so that paragraph may not be needed. Just describe that you go to their place and all they have to do is have the car available or something along those lines. Another thing, it seems like you jump from 'I' to 'we' in the same sentences which doesn't seem right to me.

I think you need: a breif into of the company, what you do, a litte something reminding that spring is coming and the salutation. All in all looks good.

[Shaun Carollo]

Rough Draft V2.0

Good Afternoon,
This letter is to introduce you to Superior Detailing, a professional service to care for your automobile's appearance. Superior Detailing comes to your home or business to professionally detail your automobiles. We use only the best car care products and procedures to gently cleanse your automobiles. We do everything from weekly washings to full rejuvenations to correct damage that might have been caused by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and road salts. And, we don't limit ourselves to cars. We are qualified to provide the same level of care to boats, RV’s and motorcycles.

We take perfection to a whole new level by constantly researching new technologies and by joining the Professional Detailers Technicians Association to help keep ourselves on the cutting edge of the auto detailing industry. From the towels we use, to our polishes and waxes, I can personally guarantee to give you the best detailing experience out of any standing or mobile shop in the metro Detroit Area, you can quote me on that.

Being a mobile business has its advantages; you won’t have to arrange a ride to or from our shop, and more importantly; your car is clean and in your garage the day of service, regardless of rain or shine, or that dirty puddle on your route home. You may even learn a thing or two on how to keep your car it’s cleanest by being able to watch our technician perform services on site.

With the arrival of spring just around the corner, I invite you to call me so we can schedule a free estimate to make sure your car is looking its best for the spring and summer months. During the estimate you will get a full evaluation of your cars problem areas, a detailing 101 crash course on the ins and outs of detailing, and how our services can most benefit you, so next time you will know when to call us.

Thank you for your time reading this letter, I hope you learned something while reading it. Again, we give free estimates, and more importantly I am always here to give you advice concerning your car’s appearance. Don’t ever hesitate to call or email me with any questions you may have regarding our services. Feel free to visit our website for more information at www.Superior-Detailing.com.

Sincerely,
Shaun Carollo
Owner, Superior Detailing
ShaunCarollo@Superior-Detailing.Com 734-***-****

[Beemerboy]

Originally Posted by budman3

I agree- I don't think you'll need to persuade a customer to a mobile operation than a fixed location- most people will automaticcly choose the easiest for them so that paragraph may not be needed. Just describe that you go to their place and all they have to do is have the car available or something along those lines. Another thing, it seems like you jump from 'I' to 'we' in the same sentences which doesn't seem right to me.

I think you need: a breif into of the company, what you do, a litte something reminding that spring is coming and the salutation. All in all looks good.

Basically you want to state who you are, what the offer is about, experience level, and that for more information you can arrange a free quote for them at their home....Most all people that own high end cars have them cleaned / detailed so they know what to expect...again you sell yourself in person, not threw a letter.

[GearHead_1]

First thought that came to my mind was: is it afternoon when the letter is read?

[Shaun Carollo]

Originally Posted by GearHead_1

First thought that came to my mind was: is it afternoon when the letter is read?

I hope so! I figure these prospects most likely come home around 4-6 pm and check their mail when they pull in the driveway. As far was the concern about length, this is my first letter out ever, and if it doesn't work I'll take your guys considerations into account, but I figure it only takes a minute to read, and if a business sent me something, I think it would look weird if it didnt fill up a whole page. We'll see what works.

-Thanks,
Shaun

[LastDetail]

Also if you want to play around with the format a little, a picture or 2 couldn't hurt. I don't know how high-end you are producing these letters, but I have always noticed the pricier someones car the lazier they seem to be. I have no idea why this is, but at least in my experiences it has been true. If you grab the readers a attention with a dramatic before and after I bet they would read your letter with a bit more concsious thought.

[GraniteState]

I still think it is too long. I think detailCad's letter is right on the money. Short and sweet. Is sometimes the best bet. I deal alot with high end clients and the shorter the better especially from a solicitation. Maybe a coupon along with it would also peak someones interest. Rich people sometimes do not care how to keep care of a their vehicle they want someone else to do it.

Hope it helps.

Jay

[C. Charles Hahn]

Originally Posted by Shaun Carollo

Rough Draft V2.0

Good Afternoon,
This letter is to introduce you to Superior Detailing, a professional service to care for your automobile's appearance. Superior Detailing comes to your home or business to professionally detail your automobiles. We use only the best car care products and procedures to gently cleanse your automobiles. We do everything from weekly washings to full rejuvenations to correct damage that might have been caused by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and road salts. And, we don't limit ourselves to cars. We are qualified to provide the same level of care to boats, RV’s and motorcycles.

We take perfection to a whole new level by constantly researching new technologies and by joining the Professional Detailers Technicians Association to help keep ourselves on the cutting edge of the auto detailing industry. From the towels we use, to our polishes and waxes, I can personally guarantee to give you the best detailing experience out of any standing or mobile shop in the metro Detroit Area, you can quote me on that.

Being a mobile business has its advantages; you won’t have to arrange a ride to or from our shop, and more importantly; your car is clean and in your garage the day of service, regardless of rain or shine, or that dirty puddle on your route home. You may even learn a thing or two on how to keep your car it’s cleanest by being able to watch our technician perform services on site.

With the arrival of spring just around the corner, I invite you to call me so we can schedule a free estimate to make sure your car is looking its best for the spring and summer months. During the estimate you will get a full evaluation of your cars problem areas, a detailing 101 crash course on the ins and outs of detailing, and how our services can most benefit you, so next time you will know when to call us.

Thank you for your time reading this letter, I hope you learned something while reading it. Again, we give free estimates, and more importantly I am always here to give you advice concerning your car’s appearance. Don’t ever hesitate to call or email me with any questions you may have regarding our services. Feel free to visit our website for more information at www.Superior-Detailing.com.

Sincerely,
Shaun Carollo
Owner, Superior Detailing
ShaunCarollo@Superior-Detailing.Com 734-***-****

Shaun, this looks fairly good at this point -- however there are a couple of suggestions I'd make (as the college writing consultant side of me comes out):

1) Don't start by telling me you're writing me a letter. If I'm holding a piece of paper in my hand that has words on it, I already know what I'm reading.

2) Try not to chop ideas and sentences up too much -- it can become hard to read almost as bad as if it were a string of run-ons.

Here's my edited version of what you're working with:

Originally Posted by REVISED DRAFT

Good Afternoon,

I'd like to introduce you to Superior Detailing, a professional service to help you care for your automobile's appearance. Superior Detailing will come to your home or business to professionally detail your automobiles using only the best car care products and procedures. We do everything from simple maintenance to full rejuvenation to correct damage that may have been caused by automatic car washes, acid rain, UV rays, and road salt. In addition to cars, we are also qualified to provide the same level of care to boats, RVs and motorcycles.

As members of the Professional Detailers Technicians Association, we take perfection to a whole new level by constantly researching new technologies to help keep ourselves on the cutting edge. Everything from the towels we use to our polishes and waxes guarantee you the highest quality detailing experience in the metro Detroit Area.

Remember, since we are mobile detailers, you won’t have to arrange a ride to or from our shop -- we come to you! Your car is clean and in your garage on the day of service, regardless of rain or shine. You'll even be able to watch our technician perform services on site if you choose.

With spring just around the corner, I invite you to call me so we can schedule a free estimate to make your car look its best for the spring and summer months. Your free estimate includes a full evaluation of your car's finish, as well as a thorough explanation of our services and their benefit to you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Please visit our website for more information at www.Superior-Detailing.com, where you'll also find information on how to contact us with questions or to set up an appointment.

Sincerely,
Shaun Carollo
Owner, Superior Detailing
ShaunCarollo@Superior-Detailing.Com 734-***-****

The way you had it originally, I think if I were a customer recieving that I would be mildly offended by it. The language as I was reading it came off as condescending -- like telling the customer they're dumb and that they need you to teach them. You want to avoid that stance; you'll get more business if you give the customer the benefit of the doubt that they know what they want, but need help to get it. That's where the bulk of my changes came in. Hope it helps!!